I planned a year of living scandalously. I was determined to keep men in my bed - and out of my heart.
Let me start at the beginning... five years ago...
...I was divorced, turning 40, and determined to own my own heart - with a little carefree fun thrown in the middle. It was on a warm, sunny Friday morning that I changed out of my ragged sweatpants and rejoined the land of the dating.
Then it was that following Monday that I put them back on.
Now I can't say I've spent much time beating my fists on the pillow wondering why I can't find love, but I have harbored an unnatural amount of hope, believing that the one is out there, just waiting to meet me. For a while, I believed he'd meet me in line at Starbucks, but after a year, I realized I was still single, checking my calendar for upcoming Law & Order marathons, and a raging caffeine addict.
So what's hard about dating? All of it.. the rules, the do's and don'ts, the mind games, wearing high heels... and I'm going to give you proof. My story can either begin with the virgin scientist, the hair model, the cowboy, the Mormon, the pharmaceutical rep, or the convict with the misdemeanor rap (in my defense, I only dated him for a few hours). Let's begin with the pharma rep... and Mariah Carey...
According to Mariah Carey, a love story is simple: boy meets girl, looks in her eyes, time stands still and two hearts catch fire.
No? No.
Seems in order to attract a guy (enough to be asked out on a second date anyway) you must learn the mysterious inner workings of a man's brain. Did you know "professionals" write books on how to date men? They call it a "contemporary dating culture." There are books on shelves that actually map out a step-by-step plan on how to win a man's heart. Rows and rows of books, I tell you. It's dizzying. I've been reading for days on how to be so irresistible, that now I can hardly keep from dating myself!
Where was I?
So I went out on a date and guess what I did? I broke the rules. I broke almost every one of them in chapters 1 through 7. Then I broke one from chapter 9. That one was fun. No lie.
I guess it's lucky for me my date didn't know about the rules, otherwise I probably wouldn't have scored a second date (especially after the chapter 9 slip).
Here's a couple of the rules:
*be decisive
*don't be readily available
*dress appropriately. look feminine. men like their women to look feminine.
*allow him to pick you up for your date
*know how to order your dinner at the restaurant - including dessert
*don't check your makeup at the table
*know what topics are appropriate for "first-date" conversations, and which ones are not
Here's how I broke them:
Him: Are you free this weekend?
Me: I'm always free on the weekends. (that is "readily available" sounding, isn't it?)
Him: Want to get together and do something?
Me: Sure! Definitely! (I was going for "enthusiastic")
Him: What would you like to do?
Me: Absolutely anything. I'd be happy just meeting at Circle K. (Circle K is the gas station, and yes, I really said this. What I wouldn't give for a genie in a bottle...)
Him: Let's not meet at Circle K. How about we meet for a drink or dinner? I can pick you up.
-----Skip Ahead-----
I meet him at the restaurant instead of letting him pick me up, after all, he could be a serial killer luring me into his SUV, or just a horn-dog looking to get busy for the night, which, by the way, isn't allowed until AFTER chapter 11. I arrive at the restaurant he chose because I just couldn't decide, and I'm wearing a pair of Levi's and a shirt covered in giraffe spots. If ever I was the epitome of femininity, it was this moment, walking up to the restaurant in Levi's and and giraffe spots. Throughout the evening I apply and re-apply my Carmex. I do this at least 17 times, but I'm pretty sure he only caught me 14 times. Appropriate conversations include no ex-bashing, but I can't help myself. No talking slutty, and again, I can't help myself. No asking about the future. "Do you ever think about getting married again" just slipped out. I swear.
I'm going to stop here. Even I've decided to never date myself.
So how did I score that second date? Got me. Maybe he happens to like lonely giraffes with soft lips that hang out at Circle K.
But just to give you a little hint on how I messed up that second date: we were getting cozy, we were enjoying each other's company - not chapter 11 worthy, but almost - when he stopped, looked in my eyes, and quietly asked, "Are you really wearing a sports bra?"
Can you spell nowonderyouredatelessonfridaynights?
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